And never the twain shall meet

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Rooting for specific relationships happens to be one of my favourite pastimes, and the more absurd and unlikely the better. In fact, if they exist in totally different worlds, that’s ideal. They’ll never meet, and there will never be an opportunity for writers/producers/actors to botch the job and disappoint me. No one will betray their true love, bad dialogue will never ruin the moment, and people won’t die right when things are at their best (looking at you, Whedon). Their love will stay safe and perfect in my brain, where it belongs.

So in honour of all the one-night hookups and epic love stories that will never be—crackships, if you will—here are some of my favourites. (Obvious spoiler warning is obvious.)

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Like anyone else would suffer them (by justinripley.tumblr.com)

1. Joffrey Lannister and Draco Malfoy

Aside from the aesthetics, aren’t these two a match made in heaven? Annoying, evil, privileged, and spoiled, it just all fits. And sure, Draco ends up reformed and Joffrey ends up dead (thank GOD), but had they met, maybe they would have softened each other’s edges? After a tumultuous (and hot) beginning, they might have given each other the love and support they needed to become just that little bit kinder? Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but at the very least, if they’re busy getting their rocks off with one another, it means they’re leaving the rest of us alone.

 

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Let me clutch this book to my breast as if it were you

2. Rory Gilmore and Hermione Granger

Indulge this grown-up eager-beaver bookworm for a moment. Wouldn’t it be amazing to see these two together? Academic rivals, constantly pushing each other to excel, sniping at each other with vocabularies no one else can understand, forced to work together on some class project, late nights, ink smudges, library stacks… This stuff writes itself. Hermione needs someone on her level, and Rory’s relationship with Paris has shown that she has a great give and take with someone as focused and dedicated to hard work as she is.

 

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Cool. (By Kazeki)

3. Frozen‘s Elsa and Jack Frost

LONG LIVE THE ICE QUEEN AND KING. I don’t care that Rise of the Guardians was actually a pretty mediocre movie. (It had its moments. Russian Santa Claus using famous composers instead of cuss words? Rachmaninoffing amazing.) I don’t care that Elsa is being hailed as a metaphor for queer sexuality. Jack Frost is a cutie, and Elsa deserves someone who can actually snuggle up to her at night. Besides, “the cold never bothered me anyway” is a great pickup line.

 

brieowyn

Is that a codpiece or are you just happy to see me?

4. Eowyn and Brienne of Tarth

Marginalized lady fighters finding solace and acceptance in each other’s arms is possibly my favourite story that I’ve never actually seen. I lovelovelove Faramir (and I’m more than a little attached to the idea of Brienne and Sansa ending up together) but come on how perfect would Eowyn/Brienne be? Think of the sparring montages! The post-battle bandaging! They are so perfect for one another it hurts. They look amazing as a pair, and they even have the same dramatic helmet removal down pat.

 

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Beep beep and vworp vworp indeed

 5. The TARDIS and the Magic School Bus

Because why the hell not. The TARDIS is sexy and the Magic School Bus has a great sense of humour. Done. OTP.

(Also River Song is totally a young Ms. Frizzle, so this one isn’t even that improbable.)

 

Top image: The meme’s original art is from Hyperbole and a Half, by the fantastic Allie Brosh

 

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